Healing my brokenness

This season of my life is my winter...I am shedding the old while God is creating the new within me! The journey to restoration is not always pretty because in order to fully bloom in Spring everything must die and fall off so that there is room for the new buds to grow. Asking God to take control of your life and giving him full access to your mind, body, and spirit and is like planting a seed and waiting for the flowers to grow. While the seed is being nourished and fed with water, soil, and sunlight the shell has to crack and break open to fully receive the nutrients. This is where the magic really happens because as the roots begin to emerge from the broken seed and plant themselves deep in the ground the flower is claiming it's place in the soil. Imagine if you dug it up while all of this was happening...you could possibly mistake the broken seed as no good and give up on your flower before it has a chance to show you how beautiful it can grow to be. For this reason you have t...

I haven't posted in a while, but I've still been putting my broken pieces back together. In addition to rebuilding my marriage with God as the third strand I've been including God in every aspect of my life! Building an intimate relationship with God has been amazing. I've wanted to get baptized since I was a teenager, but I've always been afraid to go through with it. Back in April of this year I finally went through with it and then I abruptly stopped going to church. There was no real reason behind it; just excuses I used to rationalize my failure to commit to attending church regularly. Thankfully that changed in August when I made a vow to God to not only attend church regularly, but to attend Bible Study and study the Bible at home daily. One of the first thing I learned when I started going back to church was that being baptized invited The Holy Spirit to come into my life as my comforter! Having the comfort of The Holy Spirit makes getting through difficult ...

"I'm done", "It's over", "I can't do this anymore", and "I give up" are all phrases that I've said and/or heard a few times over the past thirteen years. To be honest with you guys some of those words were spoken within the past month, but when you vow to be with someone forever you have to know that there will be bad times.  Especially when you get married before really getting to know one another. For those of you that don't know my husband and myself chose to get married after only nine months of knowing one another at the young ages of 26 and 21 years old. I was already a single mother of a one year old and my husband was coming out of a divorce so the odds were stacked against us to say the least. We have dealt with financial issues, insecurities, infidelities, health issues, family issues, and a variety of other issues over the years, but we always manage to come out of things together fighting for our marriage and ho...

After almost 13 years of marriage I found myself living the life of a single mother to three children about three weeks ago. That first week was hard because not only did I have my children to care for I also take care of my 74 year old immobile grandmother who goes to dialysis three times a week. I was an emotional wreck...my feelings ranged from anger, anxiety, bitterness, happiness, and depression, but I remained strong for the people depending on me! Things were hectic in my household to say the least, but we all survived and my kids were ready for their first day of school the following Monday! My husband was over the road, my marriage was in the worst place it's ever been, and I was ready to completely let go, but God starting talking to me and my vows kept going through my head so I decided that if my husband was willing to put God first than maybe our marriage could in fact be saved. Now we have a ways to go, but we're taking things one day at a time!

On today and many other days I thank God for my children and my ability to put their needs before my feelings! Struggling with depression is hard and I can honestly understand why some people feel that suicide is the best treatment, but no matter how hopeless I feel I push through for my children. I know how I am feeling is temporary, but the pain that is felt from losing your mom is permanent and I never want to put that pain on my children. To all the mothers out here struggling with depression and other mental illnesses know that your kids need you. Even at your worst you're still their superwoman!

When walking in my truth becomes too much to bear I have to remind myself to keep going. As long as I allow the pain I feel when reopening infected wounds cause me to stop digging I'll forever be infected. Infected by negative self talk, insecurities, doubt, and years of feeling like I'm just not good enough and that's not the life I want to continue to live. I want to be fully healed and in order to do that I must keep going!

Many of you know I have been on my health and fitness journey for almost 10 years now. For the first 7 years of my journey I tried every diet out there. I would lose a little weight and gain double that amount back. Needless to say by 2016 my life was controlled by whatever number was on the scale. That is when I decided it was time to stop dieting and start making lifestyle changes. This morning when I weighed myself I was overcome with emotions because I honestly don't care what the scale reads anymore. Here's the post I shared on my health and fitness IG page: When you're fighting to lose weight this number right here can define how your day, week, or month will go IF YOU LET IT!  Living a healthy lifestyle is not about that number at all. It's about how you feel each day. How your clothes fit. What progress you've made. As your body changes you will see the number on the scale fluctuate based on what you eat, what you drink, your hormones, the time of day,...

One thing I've learned over the past 33 years is that life can be extremely hard at times. Some of these trials and tribulations we go THROUGH are caused by other people's actions and/or decisions and others we bring on ourselves. Regardless why they happen things can reach a point where they seem impossible at times; even the most faithful, spiritual, happy person can experience periods of hopelessness, depression, self-doubt, and other negative emotions that break us and keep us in an undesirable place in life. Personally I have grown tremendously from overcoming so many challenges that I've witnessed break other people. I was raised by my grandparents because neither one of my parents were fit to raise me, I was bullied as a child, I acted out in school, I started doing adult things at thirteen years old, I had three children by the time I was twenty-three, I've had struggles in my marriage, I've been taking care of my grandmother for a long time, and I've fa...

This week challenged me down to my core ...for the first time in a while I dealt with suicidal thoughts and felt that my family would be better off without me, but God used my love and dedication to my children to save me! My ultimate goal as a mother has been to provide my children with a biological mother who is a positive presence in their lives because I did not have the constant presence of my biological mother until I was sixteen years old and the sixteen years that my biological mother has been present have not been the easiest to say the least. Killing myself would permanently destroy my goal and create a future for my children that I have dreaded way before I was even pregnant with my son....having to grow up in this cold world motherless! Absolutely not at my own hands! The idea of me taking myself from them because "life is too hard" is selfish and the unconditional love I have for my children is selfless , so something wasn't adding up. I needed t...

This past month has been one of the most overwhelming months I've had since last year and I'm feeling it mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Despite knowing that things will get better as long as I continue to stay positive and keep my faith I am guilty of feeling defeated from time to and today was one of those days. For starters I overslept and missed an important appointment, but the day still needed to go on as planned. My grandmother's Home Health nurse, OT, PT, and prosthetic tech all came today before noon, I've had a migraine since I woke up, my mother-in-love is here from out of town, and I'm scheduled to work 38 hours over the next 3 days...so yes today I cried a few tears and had a moment where I felt like giving up may be the better option, but my goals and the people I have depending on me are more important than any stressful day!I will continue to work on being the best wife, mother, granddaughter, nurse, coworker, and friend I can be...

As I sit and brew my morning cup of coffee on my keurig that has been broken for over a month I reflect on all I did to restore it back to its working form. Most people would of thrown it out after descaling it and getting no results. I mean it is over 5 years old, was given to me, and would of given me an excuse to buy a newer one; but I believe in problem solving and restoration so I descaled it again and allowed the vinegar to soak in the machine for a few days before attempting to flush it through and guess what....it worked! This same principle can be applied to the obstacles we will face in life. Sometimes you have to try multiple times and multiple ways to get through something. Whether it's achieving your career goals, losing weight, learning a new hobby, restoring a broken marriage, recovering from an illness, or learning how to do your own make-up if you want to be great at something you have to be willing to push past failures and try again. I would not be where I am to...

I AM STRONG I AM A LOVER I AM A NURTURER I AM A FIGHTER I AM LIFE I AM LOVE I FALL SHORT AT TIMES I MAKE MISTAKES I WILL FAIL AT TIMES I WILL NOT QUIT I WILL BEND BUT... I WILL NOT BREAK!

As I reflect on the last year of my life I began to realize just how strong Tajai really is. Year 32 was a year full of trials and tribulations.... I had a house fire 6/28/17, hysterectomy due to fibroids on 6/30/17, kidney stone removal and temporary stent placed on 7/31/17, major relocation halfway across the country after living in a hotel for 31 days because we lost our home after the fire, and as soon as things started to turn around for my family boom 👊 my gallbladder starts acting up and I had to have it removed 6/18/18....yes I've experienced depression, anxiety, doubt, hopelessness, and a variety of other emotions throughout all of this, but I'm still standing strong ready to fight another day! While I was dealing with all of that I still had to be wife, mom, granddaughter, friend, and nurse...some days were definitely harder than others, but I made it!!! I pray that my story can be a motivation to others...no matter what obstacles life throws your way r...

Depression is ugly. I hate it, but unfortunately it's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. The advantage of being diagnose with depression is that I'm more aware of my moods and can tell when it's coming; most of the time. The disadvantage is that it's getting old and when it does happen to sneak up on me it hits hard! I no longer feel like I want to hurt myself and I do know that these negative feelings will pass, but being depressed still sucks. No matter how positive I've tried to think or act today this storm cloud that's hanging over me just keeps growing and growing 😔 Ultimately all I can do is keeping pushing forward and trust that God will see me through this!!!

As I've worked on repairing myself over the past few months I've decided to use materials that are not easily broken so that the new and improved me would be even more indestructible! Realizing that the devil continuously attacks me because he wants to prove to God that his loyal soldiers can be pushed to a point of brokenness I must make sure that I'm prepared for these attacks! I try my best to keep my armor handy because I never know when a war will break loose. I have to get back to reading my Bible daily and going to church on my Sunday's off because those are essential to keeping me spiritually strong 💪 ! I'm writing this to say that I don't expect to live in a world where challenges don't come because perfection doesn't exist. I just want to be in a place where I'm prepared to face life's challenges. I want my children to be prepared for the different obstacles they will face and I'm going to do everything within my power ...

I wish my hair was long like hers. I wish I drove his car. I wish I had that job. Her body looks better than mines. His parents treat him better than mines treat me. Well what if I told you people have been pulling her hair since she was a little girl. He lives in his car because he couldn't afford his rent and his car payment. She's has Crohns disease and feels miserable all the time. His father hits his mom and rapes him. THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE ! In this day and age with so much access to each others lives via social media it's a lot easier to compare yourself and your life to someone else and their life. Doing this can cause us to think we're just not good enough or that our lives are bad because we're not doing what everyone else is doing. We do it at Christmas time. We do it during the summer when people go on vacations. We see it on #mancrushmonday and #womancrushwednesday. It's honestly time to stop putting so much stock in w...

On my usual morning ride today I couldn't help but notice how much the fields have changed over the past few months. Back in March I could tell the farmers were beginning to get their land prepared for next years harvest because they would be out at 6am with their plows and sprinklers treating the soil. After about a week of seeing this every day we experienced a cold front and the soil they had been working so hard on froze up! I was devastated for them. A few days later I noticed that when the temperature started going back up the farmers were right back to their early morning prep work and amazingly the soil was already back to being soft and ready to use. At that moment I realized that the only way they would see a harvest next year was to get up and keep moving forward. Wasting time dwelling on the time that was lost on those cold mornings would of only slowed things down more. I am thankful that God has allowed me to watch a field go from being cold, hard, and dead to warm, ...

A dream deferred does not mean that you are now living a nightmare or are unable to live that dream in the future; it means that you are wise enough to recognize that now isn't the right time. It means that you are willing to give yourself the time you need to develop into the person you dream of becoming. It means that you are trusting God enough to know that his time is always the right time. Simply put, it means that you're willing to go through something to get somewhere!!! Right now I'm living life as a wife, mother, granddaughter, and nurse who can't wait to go back to school to further my nursing career, but that dream is deferred for a few valid reasons and I'm okay with that. Yes, it occasionally bothers me when I see other people adding more letters behind their name; but I use those feelings as motivation that my dream is still possible and will happen one day. I see so many people struggling to enjoy life because they're not happy with their curren...

Walking through this maze called life I've hit a lot of Brick Walls ; some were a direct result of some things I've done and others just popped up because that's the way life is. Most recently I've dealt with the loss of one of my favorite Great-Aunts, my grandmother having her leg amputated, and a horrible migraine flare-up; but I am still here pushing through each and every obstacle! Don't get me wrong there have been some tears shed and a few days where I've wanted to throw in the towel, but I know that is not the answer. I know God did not bring me this far to leave me and I trust that better days are coming! My family and myself will continue to tear down each and every one of these walls that keep trying to hold us back because we were made for this. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and as long as I lean on his promises over my life I will be okay. Thanks for all the encouragement, prayers, love, and support throughout all o...

So far this year I've been focused on getting my life back on track for myself, my husband, my children, and my grandmother. I want our future to be better than our past. At this current moment we are dealing with preparing for my grandmother to have an above the knee amputation. I know she needs me to be strong for her and myself, but a part of me wants to ball up and cry because I am afraid for her. Will she survive the surgery? Will she be able to come home and do outpatient rehab or will she need to go to inpatient rehab? Will she recover from this? All of these questions are normal, but I can not let them stop me from telling her that "everything will be okay!" and "we'll get through this together!" because she needs the encouragement and support right now. I know that God will give us the strength we need to get through this difficult time. As each day passes new challenges can present themselves that may make you question if moving forward is even w...