And I Live

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This week challenged me down to my core...for the first time in a while I dealt with suicidal thoughts and felt that my family would be better off without me, but God used my love and dedication to my children to save me!

My ultimate goal as a mother has been to provide my children with a biological mother who is a positive presence in their lives because I did not have the constant presence of my biological mother until I was sixteen years old and the sixteen years that my biological mother has been present have not been the easiest to say the least.
Killing myself would permanently destroy my goal and create a future for my children that I have dreaded way before I was even pregnant with my son....having to grow up in this cold world motherless! Absolutely not at my own hands! The idea of me taking myself from them because "life is too hard" is selfish and the unconditional love I have for my children is selfless, so something wasn't adding up. I needed to make some changes....IMMEDIATELY!
Yesterday I vowed to continue to fight to defeat this depressed spirit. My children deserve a happy, healthy, present mother who will be there when their lives get hard to tell them "we will get through this together" whatever "this" may be because I haven't always had that kind of support in my life.
I decided to share this today because someone reading this may be struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings and I want them to know things will get better, but you have to keep living to find out. Death is permanent. There is no coming back when you feel better or when you see how many people are hurting or to explain why you did it or to tell your loved ones not to blame themselves or each other. Sleep all day if you have to because tomorrow may be better. Just don't give up....live to fight another day, to accomplish another goal, to celebrate another birthday, and to be present in the lives of the people that are important to you because they need you. We need you!
If you ever need someone to talk to, day or night, don't hesitate to reach out to me. I've been there before we'll get through it together!!

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