Healing my brokenness

I've spent most of my life wishing my parents were more involved in my life than they are. After I was born they both fell victim to drug addiction which forced me to be raised by my grandparents. I would only see my mother on holidays if I was lucky and I saw my dad just about every other weekend, but as I entered my teenage years things began to change. I'll admit I was a very rebellious teenager and didn't have a lot of guidance because my grandmother didn't know how to handle that area of parenting. Being an orphan at 13 and not raising her own children gave her the impression that once I hit thirteen I could make my own decisions. During this time my grandfather had also just moved out so my emotions were all over the place. Although my dad was now sober he had very little tolerance for disrespect so instead of helping me get my life on track he isolated himself from me and told me I was no longer welcomed in his home at the age of fifteen....boy did that hurt. ...

This week has been filled with mixed emotions. My truck is broke down and I absolutely have no idea when I'll be able to get it fixed, but thanks to some great friends I've made it to work when I needed to be there and I've been able to run a few errands. I received a stellar review at my place of employment and can see myself building my career here. I've also been able to set my sights on a plan to help build my credit score and get out of debt. Am I still feeling depressed and anxious at times? The answer is most definitely, but I know those feelings can't last forever. I will work my way out of this hole I'm in and I will try my best to smile while doing it!

Imagine having an eviction notice, a repossession notice, past due bills, and little to no food with no energy or strength to get up and go to work; barely enough strength to make it out of bed. Some days I honestly didn't make it out. Now imagine living like this for days and weeks at a time....that used to be me. I was so depressed and consumed with what I didn't have that I allowed the things I did have to slip away. Missing work, losing jobs, and becoming more broken was a reoccurring part of my life for years. Something had to change and I needed to make it happen. So over the years I've made it my mission to not spent too much time dwelling on my problems. I have learned to get up and push through each day the same way I would if I was problem free. Having this mindset has helped me get through some of my darkest times and get closer to being the woman I know God designed me to be. I would not have accomplished my dream of becoming a nurse because nursing school was...

One thing I've realized is that I can't get through this journey alone. Last night the truck that our friend let us hold because ours is out of commission would not start so I humbled myself and asked a coworker to take my home. This afternoon another coworker and friend was kind enough to pick me and my grandmother up so that I could take her to her appointment. After the appointment my friend let me use her car to take my grandmother home and get back to work. As we rode my grandmother mentioned how nice people in Texas are because had we been in Baltimore I would of probably been stuck at work and calling out today. She also mentioned that my own mother would not have been so generous with her car and the sad reality is my grandmother is absolutely right. I am able to still smile knowing that I do not have my own transportation right now because God has surrounded me with wonderful people. If you're going through a rough patch in life don't withdraw yourself from t...

At times I wonder if I'll ever be fixed...will I break the cycle of living paycheck to paycheck? Will I raise children that do not have to recover from their childhood? Will my marriage happily last till death do us part? Will I overcome depression and anxiety? Will I die happy? The answer is within me and that's the honest truth. It will require hardwork, determination, faith, consistency, and the ability to live outside of my comfort zone until I begin to see my dreams come true. The crazy thing is I've done it before. Throughout all the adversity I've faced in my 32 years of life I've accomplished a lot of goals that people didn't think I would. I graduated from high school with a scholarship to the college I wanted to go to. I have my associates degree in general studies. I completed the LPN program after withdrawing due to personal reasons my first go round. I've overcame a lot of obstacles in my marriage that would have broken many homes. I forgave m...

I've known for a few months that I'm not happy with where my life is currently at. I feel like I'm stuck on a Ferris Wheel going in the same circle over and over again with no way off! Over the past few weeks I've realized that I have to overcome the barriers that are binding me to this current place in my life. I have to let go of wishing I had a different relationship with my parents. I have to let go of the fear of being great and leaving the people I care about behind. I have to realize that God is allowing me to keep going through financial strain, depression, and hopelessness because I am not living my life to my full potential. I have to get up and start doing more with my kids and my grandmother instead of dwelling on what I'm not doing. I have to setup a realistic budget and stick to it because if I don't get my budget on track I'll be financially broke until the day I die. I have to feed myself with positive affirmations daily so that I can be mor...

7 months ago my family was awaken by the sound of the fire alarm going off at six o clock in the morning. Thankfully by the grace of God we were all able to make it out safely. To reasons unknown to us my leasing company decided to terminate our lease and lock us out of our home the day of the fire! We had just about loss everything to smoke damage and now we had no where live. Thankfully we had renters insurance and were able to get reimbursed for some of our damaged belongings, but that was going to take a while. I was not working at the time of the fire and was scheduled to have a hysterectomy two days after the fire and my grandmother who I care for was scheduled to have surgery the day before mines so the struggles were just beginning. We put our faith in God and decided to go ahead with both surgeries while we figured out how to recover from the fire. Most of our insurance money went to living in a hotel for over a month, relocating to Texas from Maryland, and buying the basic n...

Since the day I was born my life has been faced with one challenge after another. A 17-year-old mother that wasn't raised by her mom struggling to figure out what to do with her baby...that was my mom when I was born. A 20-year-old father raised by a single mother trying to figure out how to be a man ...that was my father. So where did that leave me? To be honest with you I really don't know...I've heard so many stories about the first few years of my life that I've came to the conclusion that I'll never really know the truth. All I know is by 1989 I was living with my maternal grandmother in Baltimore County and that is where most of my childhood memories begin.

Hello...my name is Tajai and I'm a 32-year-old wife and mother of three. I've decided to start blogging my journey of getting my life on track. I've struggled with depression and hopelessness on and off for the past 20 years and I'm finally ready to move past this chapter in my life. I know that depression can strike at any time, but with the proper tools I can get to a point where I'm strong enough to fight through it with minimal damage to my day to day life. My blog will contain bits about my past as I begin to reveal where a lot of my problems come from, as well as details about my present as I fight to overcome this brokenness each day! Thank you for taking the time out to go through this journey with me.