Healing my brokenness

This week challenged me down to my core ...for the first time in a while I dealt with suicidal thoughts and felt that my family would be better off without me, but God used my love and dedication to my children to save me! My ultimate goal as a mother has been to provide my children with a biological mother who is a positive presence in their lives because I did not have the constant presence of my biological mother until I was sixteen years old and the sixteen years that my biological mother has been present have not been the easiest to say the least. Killing myself would permanently destroy my goal and create a future for my children that I have dreaded way before I was even pregnant with my son....having to grow up in this cold world motherless! Absolutely not at my own hands! The idea of me taking myself from them because "life is too hard" is selfish and the unconditional love I have for my children is selfless , so something wasn't adding up. I needed t...

This past month has been one of the most overwhelming months I've had since last year and I'm feeling it mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Despite knowing that things will get better as long as I continue to stay positive and keep my faith I am guilty of feeling defeated from time to and today was one of those days. For starters I overslept and missed an important appointment, but the day still needed to go on as planned. My grandmother's Home Health nurse, OT, PT, and prosthetic tech all came today before noon, I've had a migraine since I woke up, my mother-in-love is here from out of town, and I'm scheduled to work 38 hours over the next 3 days...so yes today I cried a few tears and had a moment where I felt like giving up may be the better option, but my goals and the people I have depending on me are more important than any stressful day!I will continue to work on being the best wife, mother, granddaughter, nurse, coworker, and friend I can be...

As I sit and brew my morning cup of coffee on my keurig that has been broken for over a month I reflect on all I did to restore it back to its working form. Most people would of thrown it out after descaling it and getting no results. I mean it is over 5 years old, was given to me, and would of given me an excuse to buy a newer one; but I believe in problem solving and restoration so I descaled it again and allowed the vinegar to soak in the machine for a few days before attempting to flush it through and guess what....it worked! This same principle can be applied to the obstacles we will face in life. Sometimes you have to try multiple times and multiple ways to get through something. Whether it's achieving your career goals, losing weight, learning a new hobby, restoring a broken marriage, recovering from an illness, or learning how to do your own make-up if you want to be great at something you have to be willing to push past failures and try again. I would not be where I am to...

I AM STRONG I AM A LOVER I AM A NURTURER I AM A FIGHTER I AM LIFE I AM LOVE I FALL SHORT AT TIMES I MAKE MISTAKES I WILL FAIL AT TIMES I WILL NOT QUIT I WILL BEND BUT... I WILL NOT BREAK!

As I reflect on the last year of my life I began to realize just how strong Tajai really is. Year 32 was a year full of trials and tribulations.... I had a house fire 6/28/17, hysterectomy due to fibroids on 6/30/17, kidney stone removal and temporary stent placed on 7/31/17, major relocation halfway across the country after living in a hotel for 31 days because we lost our home after the fire, and as soon as things started to turn around for my family boom 👊 my gallbladder starts acting up and I had to have it removed 6/18/18....yes I've experienced depression, anxiety, doubt, hopelessness, and a variety of other emotions throughout all of this, but I'm still standing strong ready to fight another day! While I was dealing with all of that I still had to be wife, mom, granddaughter, friend, and nurse...some days were definitely harder than others, but I made it!!! I pray that my story can be a motivation to others...no matter what obstacles life throws your way r...

Depression is ugly. I hate it, but unfortunately it's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. The advantage of being diagnose with depression is that I'm more aware of my moods and can tell when it's coming; most of the time. The disadvantage is that it's getting old and when it does happen to sneak up on me it hits hard! I no longer feel like I want to hurt myself and I do know that these negative feelings will pass, but being depressed still sucks. No matter how positive I've tried to think or act today this storm cloud that's hanging over me just keeps growing and growing 😔 Ultimately all I can do is keeping pushing forward and trust that God will see me through this!!!

As I've worked on repairing myself over the past few months I've decided to use materials that are not easily broken so that the new and improved me would be even more indestructible! Realizing that the devil continuously attacks me because he wants to prove to God that his loyal soldiers can be pushed to a point of brokenness I must make sure that I'm prepared for these attacks! I try my best to keep my armor handy because I never know when a war will break loose. I have to get back to reading my Bible daily and going to church on my Sunday's off because those are essential to keeping me spiritually strong 💪 ! I'm writing this to say that I don't expect to live in a world where challenges don't come because perfection doesn't exist. I just want to be in a place where I'm prepared to face life's challenges. I want my children to be prepared for the different obstacles they will face and I'm going to do everything within my power ...